Welcome to Apologists for Christ
Ponderings on Love

Home | Debates | Classic Quotes | Rodney's Reflections | Controversial Issues | Cults | insights | Movie and Game Reviews | Music Reviews | Articles | Why Greasy Theologian? | Links | Yo Nick!

By Nick P.


I've been pondering the topic of love lately. Have you ever noticed how our culture is so different in romantic love? We live in an age where dating is the norm but in the biblical worldview, it seems more that marriages were not done by dating. In many cultures, there are also still many divorces in our day and age where love is supposed to be our main motivation.

And I've been pondering this. What makes our view so different? Why do so many people seem to fall in and out of love supposedly? Why do cultures where dating doesn't exist seem to have more loving marriages. I see as a cashier as a grocery store many women with problems with their husbands and I wonder about it.

Women. This article is mainly going to be to the men as I am coming from the male perspective obviously. However, I do encourage the women to read it to see if they agree with me and if not, then please tell me why. Guys. I encourage you to read it so you and I can learn to treat better the women in our lives.

I'm going to start on love with the obvious place, and that is God. When we see Scripture we hear that God is love. C.S. Lewis said we could have a basis for the Trinity on this one verse alone. How does that work? When we see it in action, it shows us a lot about the nature of love.

We see that in the one God there are three persons. Each person gives love to the each other. Love does have one loving themselves, but it is largely outward focused. In the ministry of Jesus, we see that the Father glorifies the Son, the Son the Father, and the Holy Spirit the Son. None of them seeks his own glory. Each of them is focused on the other.

We should note here that God in himself is our example of love. We can go through the Scriptures and read of the relationship between the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. The way we see them loving each other is the way that we are to love one another.

The Bible reveals then that God is the only one who has love in himself. No one else does. The only reason we can love is because he first loved us. We could not give out love if we had none to give out. Because he has given us love, we are capable of loving.

Might I say that the reason I think we don't always love God begins with our doubt that he loves us. This can be extremely prevalent in legalistic Christian circles where one's own salvation can be very dependent on one's personal works. Such a God can be hard to trust and will not be given full trust as long as one is trying to do what they are supposed to leave to God.

I think trust is the foundation of love. Trust means to put yourself at the mercy of someone else. When our ladies hear us say that we love them, there should be no doubt in their minds. When they say the same to us, there should be no doubt in our minds. Any doubt will be capable of causing problems in a relationship.

This would be an indication of fear as well. The Scriptures tell us that perfect love casts out all fear. If you perfectly trusted another, you would not fear them doing you wrong. In fact, this is part of the things with sin. We sin because we do not trust what God has said and want to go by what we have said.

How do you think you can place full love in someone and not trust them? Trust is still the foundation. This fear is not what is meant by the fear of the Lord. The fear of the Lord refers to the awe and reverence of him. We should awe and revere our ladies. Men. If you are the king of your castle, your ladies should be treated like queens.

Let's start by saying why we love then. I have asked some people why they love God. There can be many motivations. We can look at who he is and what he has done but there is one ultimate reason. I know many from the Calvinistic persuasion will not like this, but I will contend that we love because we choose to.

All our actions ultimately come from choice. We sin because we choose to and we don't sin because we choose to. Our choices will correspond more to his nature if we are choosing to fall more in love with Jesus. Men. If we are going to love the women in our lives we must be sure of one thing. We must choose to.

This means when our ladies are getting on our nerves at times or when we're argueing, we love them. No relationship between humans will be perfect. When we don't have feelings and emotions, we will still continue to love. In our society today, we seem to have equated love with feelings and emotions.

Love can cause feelings and emotions but it is not feelings and emotions in itself. Fire causes smoke but smoke is certainly not fire. Perchance, we've done this in our worship services at times when we judge a good worship service based on how we feel. I think you can be deeply in love with God actually, and feel miserable. If you don't beleive me, read the Psalms. Every Psalm is a message of worship and many of them are very depressing.

I think many today are missing the foundation that love is a choice. Men. We must wake up every day and make it our goal to win the heart of the women in our lives. We cannot take them for granted. Yes. We should trust them that they will remain with us but that doesn't mean you test them either. A trapeze artist may trust that the net will hold while he's in the air, but that doesn't mean he should miss on purpose just to check it.

Consider this for a viewpoint. Make it your goal to win the heart of your lady every day. When you go out together on a date be it before or after you're married, make every date be your first date. Make every kiss be your first kiss. When those moments of intimacy come also, make every moment like your honeymoon.

Our women are treasures. Call them and tell them you love them. Do something romantic for them. Sweep them off their feet. Be their knight. A woman will want a real man and not a boy. I would contend that if you will give a lady utmost love so that she feels love, she will not want to leave you.

Want to not worry about cheating? Love your wife. Want to not worry about secrets being kept? Love your wife. Want to avoid divorce? Love your wife. It's really that simple guys. Love is hard to understand but it's also basic. The simple way to save a relationship is to love.

That's why arranged marriages I think work. They know they will be together so they just choose to love. In our society, we make love seem like something you can turn off and on like a faucet. People seem to fall in and out of love on a regular basis and they're basing it on their feelings.

Men. Life will be hard at times. Maybe one day we'll be sick or we'll have a lack of sleep. Maybe something bad will happen at work or we'll have a fight with a relative or friend. In those times, we won't have feelings. When that happens, we must simply choose to love.

Our relationships are not a roller coaster. We do not go up and down. To love is commitment of the will. If we love based on our feelings, we are making ourselves the focal of the relationship. What should be our focus? Our focus should be on that special lady we'll move Heaven and Earth for. We must take our eyes off of ourselves and look to her.

Men. Consider what your lady really wants? A lady doesn't usually mind things like flowers and chocolates and vacations and such but there is one thing she wants above all. She wants to be with you. Men. Think back to when you proposed to your wife if you're married or engaged. Which does she remember more? Where it was or you?

Think back to your honeymoon if you've been there also. What's the main focus? Where she goes or who she goes with? Men. She wants to be loved above all. If a lady truly loves a man, she'll go with him anywhere. Guys. Our ladies want us to be there mostly.
And this doesn't just mean for the physical either. Guys. We tend to focus on the physical part of our relationships. The lady is more interested in the emotional. If she gets the emotional though, you can be sure the physical will come later because she'll want to please you as well.

A guy can be "in the mood" in seconds. It's not always as easy for a lady. A saying I heard once was that for a lady, "Sex begins at breakfast." If you start winning her heart in the morning and throughout the day, she will be more than happy to please you in the evening.

This is where we get into strong interdependence. Each seeks the good of the other. Imagine when it comes to sex that instead of thinking of the pleasure you'll feel but thinking of the pleasure your wife will feel. Think of it as your goal to make the lady of your life feel like a woman.

What are we willing to do for our ladies men? Are we willing to love them? It's gotta be our choice. I see no reason any relationship should ever fall apart. The only reason it does is that people choose to not love.

And with all the talk I've had about sex, let's make it sure this is for marriage alone. Men. If you love your women, you will avoid sex before marriage. Sex is when you ultimately reveal yourself and have her do the same. How can you do that without making a lasting commitment?

Do you think you won't make it to that day? Then you don't trust her. Do you think she'll reject you if she doesn't have all of you? Then you don't trust her. Ladies. Your men will be tempted, no doubt. It's important to help keep us in check. Sex should not be the basis for love. Love should be the basis for sex.

But at the same time, don't entirely deny the physical. The physical is an important aspect of any relationship and who the people are. You are physical people as well as souls in love with each other. Do not deny it but do no exalt it either just the same as any other part of who you are.

Men. Let's make a commitment today. We are men and if we are men, we should love our ladies like women. They should only come second to Jesus Christ. For those of us who claim to be his followers, the more love we have for him, the more we should have for our ladies.

So now the ball is in our court. Do we choose to love or not?

In Christ,

E-mail the author at ApologiaNick@wmconnect.com